Stuff Nutritionistas Say

The ‘wellness’ trend shows no signs of abating, with yet more offerings from well-intentioned, dewy-skinned yoga-disciples clogging up the Amazon charts; but do you know your spiraliser from your dehydrator or your zoats from your zoodles? Never fear, Gluten Free B is here with a handy guide to the terminology beloved of the nutritionally-confused. May it help you in your quest to get the glow.

Adjectives (preferably paired with a superlative e.g. ‘Soooo nourishing’, ‘The BEST EVER raw brownies’.)
Nourishing – contains twice your daily recommended calorie intake
Affordable – £15 worth of chia seeds/psyllium husks
Sugar free – contains half a bottle of maple syrup
Healthier – replace all grains with almonds, all white sugar with dates and/or maple syrup – bingo! ‘Healthy’ cake.
Guilt free – contains no ingredients the author considers ‘dirty’. Implication: you should feel guilty for your normal diet (See Clean Eating)
Raw – absolutely not heated above 42ºc. Until you chuck it in the oven with the rest of the ingredients.
Organic – produce that comes with free mud, for £2.50 extra
Activated -giving nuts a nice long bath to wake them up. No, me neither.
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Food stuffs (sometimes debatable)
Bone broth – stock (made with a smug look on face)
Vegan bone broth – vegetable stock (made with a very smug look on face)
Brownie– dates and almonds squished together with cacao
Bliss balls – dates and almonds squished together with coconut
Energy bar – dates and almonds squished together in bar form
Dessert – something else with dates and almonds squished together
Chia pudding – frogspawn, with styling
Goop – the bits of kale mulch you can’t get out from under your Nutribullet blades from which Gwynnie named her lifestyle blog (no other blenders are available)
Gluten – a government conspiracy to poison us all
Smoothie bowl – for when you have no clean glasses left
Green smoothie – a practice of making vegetables as unpalatable as possible as a  modern form of self-flagellation.

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Diets & Lifestyles
Vegan – ‘actually I prefer not to define myself or my way of eating, or judge others based on theirs’
Plant-based – vegan, with PR
Paleo – a person possessing high disposable income and knee socks
Pegan – a person possessing high disposable income and a Spiraliser (see Spiraliser)
Clean-eating – ‘I love to define myself and my way of eating as morally superior to yours’
Juice-cleanse – a special time in a lady’s calendar when she is a little on the irritable side
Detox – a ritualistic post-Christmas mourning period devoid of joy and alcohol (see also: Juice-cleanse)
The glow – apparently not lady-perspiration, but displaying an air of general self-satisfaction whilst wearing yoga kit

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Kitchen equipment
Spiraliser – a kind of vegetable torture rack NOT as I’ve found out a glorified cheese-grater
Vitamix –  Hopefully you don’t need to work because you’ll have sold your car to get this one, but ‘it’s so much more than a blender!’

I trust that you found this little summary useful, I’m off for a spot of restorative yoga and a green smoothie made with almond milk. I wish I was joking ;)

15 responses to “Stuff Nutritionistas Say

  1. Chuckled throughout.
    With ‘activated’, you’ve brought back fond memories of our gluten-free jaunt around Whole Food Market – and of tour guides soaking their nuts …
    Spotted ‘veggan’ this morning – a vegan who eats eggs. In other words: a vegetarian.

  2. Loved this! I hope you have a new identity or a safe house to go to with your spiral user. One thing these nutrition people don’t have is a sense of humour. X

    • :) I would hasten to point out that I genuinely own a spiraliser, Nutribullet etc. so it’s somewhat self-deprecating!

      • I don’t have a spiraliser but I have a nutribullet, an instant pot and a Thermomix. I drink almond milk and love chicken ( bone ) broth. I refuse to eat a brownie made with sweet potatoes.

  3. Thank you! some sense at last … although I think I’m going to give spiralised cheese a go! On a serious note, these ‘fad’ do worry me terribly, I grew up self loathing my body in a world where media was so different, our children are potentially flooded with news designed to make them feel failures in the most natural thing we do daily apart from breathing. Education starts at home, listen to your parents children not the 6 o’clock news, twitter,flickr, instagram and all the other social platforms that I struggle to keep up with as a soon-to-be 40 year old!

  4. I love love love this!!!! It does drive me loopy going on Instagram and Pinterest these days. And clean eating?! Grrrrrr, I can’t stand that term! Yes everything else we eat is obviously dirty like you say ;)

  5. Pingback: Celeriac & Toasted Almond Soup | Windsor B·

  6. I feel obligated to tell you this made me laugh harder than I have in months. There were tears and there was stomach clutching. Thank you so much!

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